A New Year’s Resolution Worth a sWipe

Although I feel it is the month that won’t end, we are well into January. It’s that time when New Year’s resolutions start to wane, and we really question if we have the drive to continue on with them or give up.

I made what seemed like a very simple resolution this year. In fact, it is so simple that many may find it laughable that it warranted making a resolution. It is one that I asked my husband to agree with as well, since his cooperation was paramount. I must warn you, this post may contain information you did not care to know about our relationship. And Matthew may not want it to be revealed. But I will tell it just the same. What could it be?

Changing the toilet paper roll.

It started out with leaving the empty tube in the holder, with the new roll placed upright on top of the old. Then it advanced to emptying the free-standing roll and placing the tube on top of the toilet. At one point last year, we had five, yes, THE NUMBER 5, empty toilet paper tubes sitting atop the toilet, with the new roll sitting upright on the empty tube still in the holder. This wasn’t even during pandemic toilet paper rationing time, when the tube could also be used in an emergency situation.

It had to stop.

Seeing as my husband swears one only needs, in his words, “two tickets per use.” On a side note, I have grown to overlook his use of the word ‘ticket.’ (I mean, imagine if Elaine had said, “There’s not a ticket to spare.” Just isn’t as funny.) Anyway, he laughed off my proposal and agreed to the bathroom pact. Whoever uses the last of the toilet paper shall take out the old roll and replace it with the new. Simple, right?

By week three, I grew tired of changing the toilet paper. It was as if Matt purposely left just a little for me to be the one to change the roll.

The other day, there was a fragment of toilet paper left on the roll. I went downstairs to retrieve a new roll, back upstairs, and placed it on the counter as I did my makeup. Before I had the chance to change out the roll, Matt had to use the bathroom.

“Aha!” he said. “Already slacking on the resolution!”

I showed him the new roll on the counter, but then I smiled, remembering his toilet paper ticket philosophy. “The roll is not empty. There’s still toilet paper on there.”

He scoffed, checking the roll.

“How many tickets are there, Matthew?” My smile grew into a sneer, for as he pulled off the remaining paper, there were exactly two ‘tickets’ in his hand. “Ahhh. According to your own words, that is enough.”

It was a small victory, one in which he changed out the toilet paper roll.

But as I’ve said, it’s still January, which means there’s a long road ahead of us to fulfill this resolution.

May (the porcelain) God have mercy on our souls.


**featured image by freestocks.org from Pexels


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